A Postpartum mommy's body- the real story

I am in awe of the all the beautiful women who are fortunate enough to have bodies that shrink back and tighten right up after giving birth. You see stories all the time that show celebrities whose stomach's and bodies look better after giving birth than they did before. I feel like there is this expectation that you will immediately look like you did before your body became a home to a baby for nine months.

For the rest of us...it doesn't always happen that way. Even those women who lose their baby weight usually find that their hips never quite snap back and even those flat tummies can have stretch marks and saggyness.

Perhaps some mommies can relate to my story and if my honesty helps even one woman whose body has never been the same, then it's worth the transparency.


Let me start by saying that I do not regret my pregnancies and I would do it all again and again for my beautiful girls. But let's be honest about mentally and emotionally handling the postpartum body.

I gained a ton of weight in my first pregnancy, which is all my fault. I never lost any of it after birth, which was also due to my lack of effort and diligence. I wasn't a huge fan of bare belly photos when I had maternity photos done with my first child because my stomach resembled a road map to nowhere specific.

photo by Courtney Sargent Photography UNEDITED

After birth I was left with the stretch marks AND saggy, puckered, droopy skin that hung like I had a mangled beer belly (how's that for honest). After a couple months it tightened up a little but even now (and after a second child) my stomach looks nothing like a stomach at all and is just a lumpy accumulation of what housed something so precious.

Some mom friends have shared how they went through similar experiences where not only did their stomachs not return to their original shape but after nursing, neither did their...you know what (I won't be sharing any photos like that of course).

Here's the reality...those stretch marks, while now white and faded, will never go away, my bladder control will never return to normal, I may never fit into my size 8 skinny jeans (yes I actually owned a pair). I read something so precious and have to share it for your encouragement as well:

Megan Garrison Photography

So there it is, the pregnancy and post-pregnancy body isn't always glamorous but it is what it is and it's amazing that our bodies can do it at all.

Dreams and what they mean

I don't put much credence in the deeper meaning of dreams in that I won't sit here and use the stars and New Agey type devices to wiggle out the true meaning of my dreams. With that said, I'd really love to understand why I have some of the same dreams over and over and over and over...get my point? What's worse, I have the same nightmares over and over and over and over.

Here's a few:

1. I frequently teach in my sleep, which really isn't a surprise because, well I'm a teacher. Oddly though I'm always aware that I'm in my bedroom and quite frequently not properly dressed to be teaching. I get frustrated that my students are in my bedroom and I have to order them to wait for me in the kitchen while I change. This happens all the time, so weird.

2. I find myself in bathrooms. Most people know of my abnormal and incredibly irrational fear of toilets. You would think that sleeping and not being in a bathroom would be a safe place but not so much. Many of my dreams even if they are not nightmares include me getting lost in a bathroom full of stalls with some of the most terrifying toilets ever and I either keep opening a stall door thinking that it's the exit or I have to use the bathroom and can't find a normal toilet. Sheesh, if I could just get past this weird phobia of mine maybe they would stop making cameos in my dreams...almost every night.

3. Childhood recurring dream #1- my mom and I would go through a drive through but instead of us getting food, my mom would have her toes cut off and replaced with bells. Then she would prop her feet up on the dash and wiggle her toes. Not even joking and I had this dream for years as a child.

4. Childhood recurring dream #2- It would always start in my dad's house. There would be a whole bunch of us (family of different ages) and we'd go outside where suddenly everyone would disappear. A man who was a mix of Ted Danson and Jason from Friday the 13th appear and chase me through the house. I'd always go to hide under my dad's bed, which should have been impossible because it was a water bed. The dream would always end the same way, with me in the living room realizing that I couldn't run anymore so I would lay down on the floor and stare up at the turning fan waiting for Ted/Jason to come and kill me. Then I'd wake up. Again, this dream happened over and over for years as a child/teen.

5. Water nightmares- I've had tons of dreams not around drowning but around being engulfed in ginormous bodies of water. For example, I might be at a pool and suddenly a wave like a mile high would come up out of the pool and crash over the top of me. There were variations but it always had the same theme.

6. Ghosts- I don't believe in them, not at all. I don't believe in ghosts of people wandering around and haunting people. I believe the Bible is very clear that when we die our physical body is gone and our soul or spirit will either go to Heaven or Hell. Now I'm not looking to get into a theological debate with anyone but it's important to understanding this bizarre nightmare to know that I don't believe in ghosts. With that said, I have this nightmare ALL THE TIME now as an adult where I'll be in a house and I know that something evil is around me. The icy cold shiver described in weird shows like Ghost Hunters will steal over me and paralyzing fear grips me. To make it worse, I somehow know I'm dreaming and cannot wake up. I remember even how I feel with eerie clarity once I am awake and still have the same coldness in me. They always end the same way, with me huddled somewhere like on a couch chanting the mantra, "In the name of Jesus I command you to go away. At the name of Jesus the devil must flee" over and over and over. Whew...I hate this night mare.

So even though I don't know if there really is a deeper meaning to any of these, I'd really love to know how to make them go away! God help me, pregnancy makes them a million time worse. Apparently we dream only during our REM cycles, which can happen up to 5 times a night. Luckily I only have to remember the last dream I had. I know that people have suggested meditation or praying or reading something positive before I fall asleep. I can and have done all those things but the dreams are still there and I still wish I knew why the recurring ones happen like they do.

I'd love some insight...

Daphne update

So it looks like over the next couple months Daphne will become best friends with a specialist for each major organ system in her body. We've posted that she has several appointments coming up and many people have asked if Daphne is okay or what is wrong with her. The answer is that we don't know exactly.

Here's what we know:

• Daphne failed her newborn hearing test twice
• Daphne has abnormally small ear canals, which are closed right now
• Daphne has Congenital Vertical Talus, a rare foot deformity that causes her feet to flip up to her shins. 

Here's what we don't know:

• whether she is actually deaf or has damage to her inner ear
• the extent of the canal closure 
• What caused the foot deformity
• If there is a connection between her ears and her feet

Here's what we've done so far:

•  seen a ENT (clipped her frenulum and first noticed her small ear canals)
• seen a neuro-otologist who decided she needs to have more hearing tests and investigation into her ears. 
• seen an orthopedic surgeon who diagnosed her CVT and has started casting her feet to stretch out the muscles and tendons to prepare for surgery. She's had two castings, she will have four more before surgery. 
• blood panel and EEG

Here's what is coming up:

• EKG and Echo, third-sixth leg castings, and appointment with the GI (all 1/3)
• appointment with Neuro on 1/6 to look at EEG
• MRI on 1/7 (she has to be put under)
• appointment with cardio on 1/16 to look at Echo and EKG
• ear surgery on 1/23 to determine the full extent of her ear condition. If the tests show that she can hear but the canal is closed, they will implant a bone conduction hearing aid. They will wait on reconstructing the ear canal. If she can't hear at all then we look into other options such as cochlear implant. We will know much more about her ears after the 23rd.

here's what the hearing aid looks like on an infant

• appointment with opthamology to make sure her eyes are working properly since that is the sense she relies on most. 
• foot surgery to repair the talus followed by braces until 2-4 years old. 
• genetic testing to learn more about the possible causes for the ears and feet deformity and determine if there is a connection. 

We have a lot of friends on facebook and family who have been wondering what's going on. We wrote this blog to help answer questions we've been getting and to help everyone understand is happening. We will keep you updated as we go and appreciate your prayers and support.