Every time I try to write this I end up erasing it, partly because processing through the last 8 weeks is almost too much for the human brain to take in and partly because I learn something new or have something else to add each time I write. Few people know what the last 8 weeks of my life have been like, Mike is one and a new friend Penny is another. I'm sure there are others out there too. Every time someone knew hears about our plight, their initial reaction is "gasp, are you kidding? Oh, I'm so sorry, how are you dealing with this?" (I don't intend to make this sound like I'm mocking because I really am not).
Let me respond...
Gasp is right. My breath has been taken away constantly. I thought I would die the night in the hospital when the life I carried inside me was torn from me and given to another family with lies and false promises of when she'd be returned. That probably sounds mellow dramatic but seriously...there is no other way to describe that feeling. I felt like I was strangled when the judge did not immediately give Kenzie to my family at our first court date. I died every time I had to say goodbye to her after our two hour visit of heartbreaking crying. I still find myself holding my breath, waiting for a ball to drop, waiting for resolution, waiting for deliverance, waiting for everything to be over. You know what though? This is my life, it's not the life I expected or wanted. It's not the circumstances I would have chosen but this is my reality and God is as much a part of this life and these trials as He is the one I imagined...more so even. Some people have said that they don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Easy...I am not good people. I am a sinner, saved by grace and according to Isaiah 64:6,
All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
I am not good, only God is good. Only He is holy and only He can redeem me and sanctify me to seek after His goodness.
Raised eyebrows?
It's one of the hardest concepts to wrap your mind around a God who supposedly loves His children so passionately but yet could allow anyone to die or be separated from Him. How could He allow us to suffer and go through trials? There are two important things to understand about God: He is Holy (perfect, clean, without any blame) and He is NOT a puppet master. Yes, He loves us and that love is so vast that He sent his son, his child to be sacrificed so that He could have that relationship with us. His holiness prevents Him from being in the presence of our sin, there is just no way around that so He made a way. The puppet master part is that He won't force anyone to accept that sacrifice. I'm not sure I could ever really understand the severity and intensity of God giving up His own child. I'm not sure there is ANYONE that I love enough to sacrifice my child for. I will never be able to repay the love He feels for me nor will I ever be able to wrap my mind around it.There is no reason why this
shouldn't have happened to me because there is no one else who would deserve it instead of me and yet all of us deserve much worse at the same time.
"How are you dealing with this?" I have no idea! I go to work and work on my master's class because I have no choice. Life just keeps going. Time moves, events happen. So even though it feels like my world stands still, no one else's does and no one can stand still with us. One song I listen to on repeat right now is "Your hands" by JJ Heller. She says "when the world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands." So many people have prayed that the mighty power of the Heavens would move on our behalf. I believe that I had authority to send angels to protect my daughter while she was in foster care. I believe that God's army stood around her and that His spirit could speak into her heart. I'm dealing with this because God is so gracious and has surrounded our family with a host of human angels to pray for us and provide for our needs. I am dealing with this because I am married to the most unbelievably strong and patient man who pours into me daily. We are dealing with this because we have friends and family who make us dinner, run our errands, visit us, text us, spend time with us. We are dealing with this because
we aren't dealing with this...God is and we're just desperately clinging to Him.
I'd be remiss not to seek God's instruction and lessons during this time. Through the word's of my pastor's sermon's, my father-in-law's discernment, and gentle prodding from Mike, I have seen God working in ways I could have never imagined. EVER!
1. Reconciled relationships: there were two relationships in my life that I had allowed sin to destroy and those people to be hurt. Even in my disregard and pride, they were gracious and loving. God has allowed me the opportunity to reconcile those relationships, although it was humbling and difficult. Even now, I'm still acutely aware that I have much to make up for.
2. Strengthening and refining my marriage: God has blessed me with an amazing husband that I do not always serve and love as I should. He deserves my kindness, forgiveness grace, gentle tongue, and love. Most of the time he gets my short temper, judgement, arguing, and sharp tongue. Through this time, my heart has been quieted and our time together has been so precious.
3. Relationships built with family: family tragedies (like ours) can tear people apart. Fortunately, this ordeal has roped our family together is many special ways. I'm so grateful and thankful that I have two sets of parents who were not only able but also willing to care for Kenzie. This time with her Grandpa and Grandma Sue is special and I'm grateful she gets to know them better. We have also been able to spend more time with them, which is such a wonderful blessing. My new mother-in-law Sue is such a gentle, loving person. Our family has truly been given a jewel.
Up next?
There are still miles to travel and journeys to take. We still have trial looming in the future but God constantly reminds me that we were not given a spirit of fear and timidity. The battle has already been won! He loves Kenzie so much more than Mike and I do (although I'm not sure how) we will all come out of this stronger, closer to God, and closer to each other than before.
