When your tears fall

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
And I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

Oh yes, You are good to me
You've always been good to me
So trustworthy

When hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart
And I will praise You, and I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
(I will sing to You) I will praise You,
Jesus praise You through the suffering
Still I will sing

How faithful and true
Sustain me through and through
You are hope and truth
You're my spring of living water
You're my spring of living water

In the lone hour of my sorrow

Like a well watered garden
Who springs never fail
Faithful and truth
Like a well watered garden
Like a spring that never fails
You're my spring and never fails

Did you Know?

1. Silence can be deafening- have you ever relied on a certain noise so much that without it you felt like you had gone deaf and were therefore lacking one of your senses and consequently your ability to fully connect to the world? I remember after 911, some of the residents on my floor in my dorm were aviator majors and said that not hearing the planes fly overhead was more traumatic than the knowledge of what had just happened. That's how I feel. For the first couple days I could swear that I still heard that sound but I didn't. I would give anything to hear it.

2. Idle hands something something something- I don't know the actual quote but I do that keeping busy is a bandaid and distraction that I happily welcome. I can't say it's easy, that I enjoy it. I can say that keeping your mind and hands busy offers some avenue for pretending that everything is okay.

3. You can miss having your clothes constantly dirty- there are just certain messes that you grow accustomed to and you learn to appreciate and adore. I wish I needed my laundry detergent more than I do right now.

4. A clean house is not always what I want most- why is there so much room in my home for stuff right now?

5. Things are not easy as breathing- because sometimes breathing isn't easy.

6. All things can be used for Good for those who know Him- the end does not justify the means but the means can provide lessons, comfort, support, and growth until the end comes.

Omg it fits!!!

Okay so around 26 weeks pg my engagement ring got stuck on my finger. I haven't been able to wear it since September and yesterday I tried it back on and it fits!!! I can slide it back off and everything. Oh small victories my friend's :)

2 of 3 ain't bad

Last week I went to my first spinning class and set 3 goals specifically for spinning. I met two of them tonight. The fact that I even took my butt to the gym is a miracle (thank you mike!)

Goal 1: complete all 60 minutes of a class. Done and done! Start to finish.

Goal 2: stand when she says stand and go at a reasonable resistance. Bam, check out my boots! Not only did I stand but but but I also kept up her resistance. To give you an idea, I couldn't go higher than gear 10 last week and I was sweatin it out at gear 19 tonight. I kept thinking about my friend Dana. She's training for a marathon and she said that each day she looks at her running schedule and thinks "no way I can do that!" and she always does. So even though my brain was saying "you can't go up another gear," thumb was quoting a former student of mine "lies!" and up the resistance went.

I'm al inspired by several women in my life. My friend Kathy totally taught Zumba until she was like 38 weeks pregnant. My best friend amber is 22 weeks pregnant and still running. And I can't forget about my friend Dana the marathon trainer.

Goal 3... On its way!

The Do's and Don't of Spinning

I write this like I am some kind of expert. HA! What a joke. I tried spinning tonight at LA Fitness. Here are a few things that I learned in my one class experience that I can share:

DO's:
1. Wear appropriate shoes- your feet need to either fit in the pedals (so you don't go flying off in some comical way) or snap onto the pedals. Unless you are Uber cool and own the cycling shoes, make sure that the bottom of your sneakers are solid and have lots of padding. Big no no to wear worn out shoes with no sole support.
2. Wear capris- if you are plagued with thunder thighs like me then shorts are a major hazard but so are long pants. I watched the girl in front of me get caught in her wheel and the wheel jammed. I tried not to laugh. Capris are perfect!
3. Seat adjustment- I don't know how to tell you to adjust your seat and handle bars, only to tell you to make sure you do it or you will be so sorry when you get going and try to lean forward. Yikes!
4. Drink like a fish! Water, that is
5. Prepare for some tushy tenderness. Had I known I would have worn a towel strapped to my bum.

DON'T
1. Pretend that you can cycle at the resistance and speed as the Uber cool person with the professional snap on shoes and spandex riding gear (especially if you are like me and this is your first week working out post-partum). But keep moving... just keep moving.
2. Feel the need to always stand up. If you need to sit then sit but be willing to push yourself.
3. Get off the bike too fast. Total Bridget Jones moment when I tried to get off the bike.
4. Forget the water and a towel

Did I enjoy it? Meh...
Was it worth it? For sure
Did I feel great afterward? Yes except for the butt soreness
Will I do it again? Possibly

What I can control

At my weight watchers meeting last night, the leader asked why weight watchers works. Many people said stuff like, "it's flexible", "etools", "lots of options", "easy to follow" etc. I thought about why it has been the ONLY successful plan for my weight loss and I realized that it's about control. In my life there are so few things I can control (and rightly so). I can't control my husband or my daughter (although I try on both accounts), I can't control my students or my job, I can't control bills and the economy, I can't control if my car will break down or whether my daughter will sleep through the night. I CAN control what I put into my body though. I can control what I eat and drink, the vitamins I take, and how much I work out. Even when I feel out of control, the reality is that I am the only one who can control that (with God's help of course). I love love love weight watchers because their plan allows me to control my weight loss goals and success. The plan works regardless of what anyone says but you have to work it.

I thought about part of the serenity prayer: God grant me the courageous to change the things I can. That's why weight watchers works!

There Could Never Be a More Beautiful You!

Something ironic occurred to me today. Almost 12 weeks ago I accomplished, achieved, did (whatever action verb you'd like to insert here) the most miraculous event a human can do (in my opinion). I gave birth to my daughter. What is more incredible than God enabling women to provide the perfect incubator for new life? The intricacies and detail that go into knitting together a baby astound me and I had the honor and blessing to participate. The irony is that not one day has gone by where I haven't despised the look and condition of my body as a result of the pregnancy. I scrutinize, criticize, complain about, cry over, and put down every saggy, stretched, larger, and overall changed part of my body. The same body that carried and brought my angel into the world is the same body I detest now. How is that possible????

A while back a friend of mine told me that people frequently talk about the sacrifices you make when you have a baby: time, finances, freedom. Rarely do people talk about the physical sacrifice. Some women love being pregnant and some don't but regardless of how you feel about it or while you are pregnant, it is a sacrifice. I have such a negative view of this sacrifice though. Did Jesus not make a sacrifice on the cross? God made me for the purpose of manifesting His glory and one way I am supposed to do that is through child-bearing. I'm not opposed to the need to get my body back in shape but I do seriously need an attitude adjustment.

While driving home, the song "More Beautiful You" by Jonny Diaz came on Klove. I hear this song all the time but today the lyrics to the chorus spoke to my heart.

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through 
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you 

I was not more beautiful when I was thinner. I was not more beautiful when I was pregnant. I am just as beautiful now. I know I'm not the only mom who struggles with this. I hope other women continue to find the same hope and motivation that God is showing me.