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5.30.2012
Book 2- DONE!
My goal for all my kids is to complete a book every two months for the first year of their life. I am painfully behind but am trying to catch up. I just finished Kenzie's second book.
5.07.2012
Squash, and apple sauce, and crock pots meals...Oh my!
I love pinterest! Why do I start off that way? Pinterest has inspired me to try out some pretty cool things. In the last month or so, Kenzie has started eating solid food and it is hilarious to watch her faces as she decides what she likes and what she doesn't. So far she loves squash, apple sauce, pears, carrots, yams, and yogurt. She will tolerate sweet potatoes and oatmeal, and will not eat prunes and green beans. Interesting! In the interest of saving money, having the piece of mind of knowing exactly what my baby is eating, and because I love it, I have made almost everything Kenzie eats (the yogurt and oatmeal were supplied by the good people at Gerber and Beech nut). I got my organization and strategies from pinterest:
Here's another one:
On top of that, pinterest also has an array of awesome crockpot meals. Mike and I also wanted to try these so last night I did. Check out this pin:
I can't wait to see how it all turns out this week.
Here's another one:
On top of that, pinterest also has an array of awesome crockpot meals. Mike and I also wanted to try these so last night I did. Check out this pin:
I can't wait to see how it all turns out this week.
4.02.2012
In case you wanted to know...
Every time I try to write this I end up erasing it, partly because processing through the last 8 weeks is almost too much for the human brain to take in and partly because I learn something new or have something else to add each time I write. Few people know what the last 8 weeks of my life have been like, Mike is one and a new friend Penny is another. I'm sure there are others out there too. Every time someone knew hears about our plight, their initial reaction is "gasp, are you kidding? Oh, I'm so sorry, how are you dealing with this?" (I don't intend to make this sound like I'm mocking because I really am not).
Let me respond...
Gasp is right. My breath has been taken away constantly. I thought I would die the night in the hospital when the life I carried inside me was torn from me and given to another family with lies and false promises of when she'd be returned. That probably sounds mellow dramatic but seriously...there is no other way to describe that feeling. I felt like I was strangled when the judge did not immediately give Kenzie to my family at our first court date. I died every time I had to say goodbye to her after our two hour visit of heartbreaking crying. I still find myself holding my breath, waiting for a ball to drop, waiting for resolution, waiting for deliverance, waiting for everything to be over. You know what though? This is my life, it's not the life I expected or wanted. It's not the circumstances I would have chosen but this is my reality and God is as much a part of this life and these trials as He is the one I imagined...more so even. Some people have said that they don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Easy...I am not good people. I am a sinner, saved by grace and according to Isaiah 64:6,
Raised eyebrows?
It's one of the hardest concepts to wrap your mind around a God who supposedly loves His children so passionately but yet could allow anyone to die or be separated from Him. How could He allow us to suffer and go through trials? There are two important things to understand about God: He is Holy (perfect, clean, without any blame) and He is NOT a puppet master. Yes, He loves us and that love is so vast that He sent his son, his child to be sacrificed so that He could have that relationship with us. His holiness prevents Him from being in the presence of our sin, there is just no way around that so He made a way. The puppet master part is that He won't force anyone to accept that sacrifice. I'm not sure I could ever really understand the severity and intensity of God giving up His own child. I'm not sure there is ANYONE that I love enough to sacrifice my child for. I will never be able to repay the love He feels for me nor will I ever be able to wrap my mind around it.There is no reason why this shouldn't have happened to me because there is no one else who would deserve it instead of me and yet all of us deserve much worse at the same time.
"How are you dealing with this?" I have no idea! I go to work and work on my master's class because I have no choice. Life just keeps going. Time moves, events happen. So even though it feels like my world stands still, no one else's does and no one can stand still with us. One song I listen to on repeat right now is "Your hands" by JJ Heller. She says "when the world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands." So many people have prayed that the mighty power of the Heavens would move on our behalf. I believe that I had authority to send angels to protect my daughter while she was in foster care. I believe that God's army stood around her and that His spirit could speak into her heart. I'm dealing with this because God is so gracious and has surrounded our family with a host of human angels to pray for us and provide for our needs. I am dealing with this because I am married to the most unbelievably strong and patient man who pours into me daily. We are dealing with this because we have friends and family who make us dinner, run our errands, visit us, text us, spend time with us. We are dealing with this because we aren't dealing with this...God is and we're just desperately clinging to Him.
I'd be remiss not to seek God's instruction and lessons during this time. Through the word's of my pastor's sermon's, my father-in-law's discernment, and gentle prodding from Mike, I have seen God working in ways I could have never imagined. EVER!
1. Reconciled relationships: there were two relationships in my life that I had allowed sin to destroy and those people to be hurt. Even in my disregard and pride, they were gracious and loving. God has allowed me the opportunity to reconcile those relationships, although it was humbling and difficult. Even now, I'm still acutely aware that I have much to make up for.
2. Strengthening and refining my marriage: God has blessed me with an amazing husband that I do not always serve and love as I should. He deserves my kindness, forgiveness grace, gentle tongue, and love. Most of the time he gets my short temper, judgement, arguing, and sharp tongue. Through this time, my heart has been quieted and our time together has been so precious.
3. Relationships built with family: family tragedies (like ours) can tear people apart. Fortunately, this ordeal has roped our family together is many special ways. I'm so grateful and thankful that I have two sets of parents who were not only able but also willing to care for Kenzie. This time with her Grandpa and Grandma Sue is special and I'm grateful she gets to know them better. We have also been able to spend more time with them, which is such a wonderful blessing. My new mother-in-law Sue is such a gentle, loving person. Our family has truly been given a jewel.
Up next?
There are still miles to travel and journeys to take. We still have trial looming in the future but God constantly reminds me that we were not given a spirit of fear and timidity. The battle has already been won! He loves Kenzie so much more than Mike and I do (although I'm not sure how) we will all come out of this stronger, closer to God, and closer to each other than before.
Let me respond...
Gasp is right. My breath has been taken away constantly. I thought I would die the night in the hospital when the life I carried inside me was torn from me and given to another family with lies and false promises of when she'd be returned. That probably sounds mellow dramatic but seriously...there is no other way to describe that feeling. I felt like I was strangled when the judge did not immediately give Kenzie to my family at our first court date. I died every time I had to say goodbye to her after our two hour visit of heartbreaking crying. I still find myself holding my breath, waiting for a ball to drop, waiting for resolution, waiting for deliverance, waiting for everything to be over. You know what though? This is my life, it's not the life I expected or wanted. It's not the circumstances I would have chosen but this is my reality and God is as much a part of this life and these trials as He is the one I imagined...more so even. Some people have said that they don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Easy...I am not good people. I am a sinner, saved by grace and according to Isaiah 64:6,
All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
I am not good, only God is good. Only He is holy and only He can redeem me and sanctify me to seek after His goodness.
It's one of the hardest concepts to wrap your mind around a God who supposedly loves His children so passionately but yet could allow anyone to die or be separated from Him. How could He allow us to suffer and go through trials? There are two important things to understand about God: He is Holy (perfect, clean, without any blame) and He is NOT a puppet master. Yes, He loves us and that love is so vast that He sent his son, his child to be sacrificed so that He could have that relationship with us. His holiness prevents Him from being in the presence of our sin, there is just no way around that so He made a way. The puppet master part is that He won't force anyone to accept that sacrifice. I'm not sure I could ever really understand the severity and intensity of God giving up His own child. I'm not sure there is ANYONE that I love enough to sacrifice my child for. I will never be able to repay the love He feels for me nor will I ever be able to wrap my mind around it.There is no reason why this shouldn't have happened to me because there is no one else who would deserve it instead of me and yet all of us deserve much worse at the same time.
"How are you dealing with this?" I have no idea! I go to work and work on my master's class because I have no choice. Life just keeps going. Time moves, events happen. So even though it feels like my world stands still, no one else's does and no one can stand still with us. One song I listen to on repeat right now is "Your hands" by JJ Heller. She says "when the world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands." So many people have prayed that the mighty power of the Heavens would move on our behalf. I believe that I had authority to send angels to protect my daughter while she was in foster care. I believe that God's army stood around her and that His spirit could speak into her heart. I'm dealing with this because God is so gracious and has surrounded our family with a host of human angels to pray for us and provide for our needs. I am dealing with this because I am married to the most unbelievably strong and patient man who pours into me daily. We are dealing with this because we have friends and family who make us dinner, run our errands, visit us, text us, spend time with us. We are dealing with this because we aren't dealing with this...God is and we're just desperately clinging to Him.
I'd be remiss not to seek God's instruction and lessons during this time. Through the word's of my pastor's sermon's, my father-in-law's discernment, and gentle prodding from Mike, I have seen God working in ways I could have never imagined. EVER!
1. Reconciled relationships: there were two relationships in my life that I had allowed sin to destroy and those people to be hurt. Even in my disregard and pride, they were gracious and loving. God has allowed me the opportunity to reconcile those relationships, although it was humbling and difficult. Even now, I'm still acutely aware that I have much to make up for.
2. Strengthening and refining my marriage: God has blessed me with an amazing husband that I do not always serve and love as I should. He deserves my kindness, forgiveness grace, gentle tongue, and love. Most of the time he gets my short temper, judgement, arguing, and sharp tongue. Through this time, my heart has been quieted and our time together has been so precious.
3. Relationships built with family: family tragedies (like ours) can tear people apart. Fortunately, this ordeal has roped our family together is many special ways. I'm so grateful and thankful that I have two sets of parents who were not only able but also willing to care for Kenzie. This time with her Grandpa and Grandma Sue is special and I'm grateful she gets to know them better. We have also been able to spend more time with them, which is such a wonderful blessing. My new mother-in-law Sue is such a gentle, loving person. Our family has truly been given a jewel.
Up next?
There are still miles to travel and journeys to take. We still have trial looming in the future but God constantly reminds me that we were not given a spirit of fear and timidity. The battle has already been won! He loves Kenzie so much more than Mike and I do (although I'm not sure how) we will all come out of this stronger, closer to God, and closer to each other than before.
3.31.2012
3.22.2012
My heart is so full!!!
Although I won't say it's been easy, I have clung to God in desperation and hope that he would deliver us from our valley and unite our home. Tonight he did! Here are some pictures that captures all our joy today.
We anticipate a period of adjustment and we loathe having to leave but know she is in great hands while we are at work. I can't believe I get to spend my whole weekend with my heart, my daughter, my love!
We anticipate a period of adjustment and we loathe having to leave but know she is in great hands while we are at work. I can't believe I get to spend my whole weekend with my heart, my daughter, my love!
3.20.2012
Have you ever been robbed?
Has anyone ever stolen something from you? Obviously you weren't expecting it or it would have been more like borrowing. Has anyone ever come into your home and taken something that could never be replaced by any amount of money, time, new models, gifts, etc? What do you do?
I've been robbed. Something that can never be replaced was taken from me. There is a helplessness associated with something being taken compared to just losing something. When you lose something you can retrace your steps, figure out how to get it back, prevent the chances of losing it again. When your life is invaded and something is stolen, there is no planning, no preparation.
Did the person who robbed you call you up and say, "hey, I have what I took from you and would like to meet to discuss what you can do to earn it back?" Have you ever stood across the fence and watched the robber dangle your stolen belonging in front of you and let you see it to remember that it should be yours but continue to withhold the item?
Did you have to take classes and endure observations and scrutiny by the robber and all his buddies so that they could see if they thought you deserved to have what they took even though you had never done anything to deserve to be robbed in the first place?
Through this whole ordeal I have rarely sat and threw myself a pity party and I hope this will be the last time I do but I couldn't figure out how to relate this trial to something that other people might connect with. It's not like death...I've lost a close family member. It's not like losing a job, it's not like losing a relationship (although I've never experienced divorce or death of a spouse). It's not like anything else I've experienced. I can honestly pray that no one I know ever goes through it themselves.
I pray you are never robbed.
I've been robbed. Something that can never be replaced was taken from me. There is a helplessness associated with something being taken compared to just losing something. When you lose something you can retrace your steps, figure out how to get it back, prevent the chances of losing it again. When your life is invaded and something is stolen, there is no planning, no preparation.
Did the person who robbed you call you up and say, "hey, I have what I took from you and would like to meet to discuss what you can do to earn it back?" Have you ever stood across the fence and watched the robber dangle your stolen belonging in front of you and let you see it to remember that it should be yours but continue to withhold the item?
Did you have to take classes and endure observations and scrutiny by the robber and all his buddies so that they could see if they thought you deserved to have what they took even though you had never done anything to deserve to be robbed in the first place?
Through this whole ordeal I have rarely sat and threw myself a pity party and I hope this will be the last time I do but I couldn't figure out how to relate this trial to something that other people might connect with. It's not like death...I've lost a close family member. It's not like losing a job, it's not like losing a relationship (although I've never experienced divorce or death of a spouse). It's not like anything else I've experienced. I can honestly pray that no one I know ever goes through it themselves.
I pray you are never robbed.
3.17.2012
New pics of my little girl
We just celebrated Kenzie's 5 month birthday (kind of). We just took these and I edited them with my new Iphone app called Snapseed (so awesome).
I can't offer a lot of detail but I can say that she is just getting so big! Most of her hair fell out and I think it might be growing back in red. She's such a little doll though and seems to look exactly like whichever parent is hold her (although I think she is totally Mike).
Stay tuned for more...
I can't offer a lot of detail but I can say that she is just getting so big! Most of her hair fell out and I think it might be growing back in red. She's such a little doll though and seems to look exactly like whichever parent is hold her (although I think she is totally Mike).
Stay tuned for more...
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